Fair warning this is going to be rambling and spoilerish....and personal. Kaje Harper is an excellent writer, no doubt about it and when I read the blurb for this book, it was a no brainer that I was going to pre-order and be on it right away. *waves to the buddy read gang* Before I start in on the heavier issues, Kaje Harper's shout out to buddy-reads and online friendships, the nervous frantic stress of an author, ratings and reviews, the not hot and everybody drools over them MC, gaining weight, geekiness and a fat cat was really nice and added that little bit extra that had me giving it 4*.Now, although the blurb hinted at it, this book was far heavier and difficult than I had thought, although that could also just be me and my life experience playing a role in how this reads for me. Kellen might be a player, but he's a good guy and his issues with not falling in love and not depending on others is explained through the course of the book, and it made sense. I didn't like it and I got very frustrated with his reticence and refusal to let Mike or his friends in or even really to see what was right in front of him, but I understood. Mike is a great guy, smart, geeky, helpful and so wonderfully awkward. I loved his patience and calmness with Kellen, even when I wished for him to be more forthcoming and vocal about his own needs and wants. I liked watching him come out of his shell and after starting his 'relationship' with Kellen he might still have been insecure and a babbler but he also got out into the world more, at least that's the feeling I got. Being a 37 year old virgin couldn't have been easy, with all of his self consciousness and solitary ways I guess it wasn't out of the realm of possibility. Although and this is just me again, the sexual chemistry between the two seemed off a bit, but maybe that was because Kellen seemed to have all the control and made all the decisions( like not to have anal sex). As I mentioned, this story is heavily influenced by Kellen's mother and her decline in mental capabilities and physical health issues, that weighed on me a lot. My mother had melanoma (and that scare at the end totally freaked me the fuck out) and the tumors in her brain caused issues similar to having mini strokes, and watching a young vibrant and independent person turn into someone who can't talk, see or communicate is indescribable and utterly heartbreaking. My father is much older and like with Kellen, the dynamics of a parent-child relationship change and it is hard for everyone.So I understood Kellen, I was actually surprised he stayed as even keeled as he did, I thought most of his problems with Mike weren't even really from his mother's illness but more from how he was raised and saw himself. When he said that he didn't know if he could be what Mike wanted, be a 'significant other' because his whole life his whole being was consumed by the care, worry and guilt of caring for his mother, that resonated and made a lot of sense to me. A story like this can't really have a happy ending, but it can have a happy as it can get ending, and I was fine with that, that's how it is sometimes.But, and here is my issue, it still left me with a heavy heart and a weariness when I was done reading. I do believe that it won't effect everyone this way, but for me, I needed more happy and lightness in the dark, even if just make-believe kind.
